The Talentless Show
by Shane C
Summary: A few of the Animorphs get coerced into participating in the school talent show. Just a fun little semifluffy oneshot that has absolutely no significance whatsoever.


**The Talentless Show**

_Marco_

I trudged my way into first period, which was Introduction to Public Speaking. When I'd signed up for the elective, I'd figured it to be an easy A. I have absolutely no problem speaking in front of people.

The problem, according to Mr. James, is that when you're speaking to an audience, you have to have a purpose. Why? Why can't you stand in front of them, make them laugh a few times, and sit down? Why does there always have to be some big point to everything?

Mr. James was a jerk. He was constantly giving me bad grades and reminding me – in front of the whole class – that this was _not _Introduction to Stand-Up Comedy. Sue me. While I'm trying to bring a little joy to first period – basically impossible – he's just writing little notes and marking me down for C's and D's.

He breezed into the class as everybody was sitting down, more obnoxiously upbeat than usual. "Hello, hello class!" He started passing out papers. "I've got a treat for you today!" I'm telling you, he looked me dead in the eye when he said this next part. "I'm giving everybody the opportunity to earn extra credit – and not just a little bit." I looked at the sheet as I passed the rest of the stack behind me. "Five points will be added to your final grade for participating. To give you a little more incentive, I'll be bumping your average a full letter grade for placing."

Talent show. I almost snorted a laugh. No doubt, I had talents. I could morph into a gorilla or a cobra on stage and take first place for sure. Of course, as Mr. James was making my D average a C, I'd be on my way to the Yeerk Pool for infestation.

"Here's the catch," James said. "Public speaking often requires cooperation, so I'm pairing you up. You have to work together if you want the grade." He started rattling off names in pairs, seemingly at random. I just hoped I'd be put with somebody who didn't mind the whole school staring at them – I _needed _those points.

"Marco and…let's see…Cassie." I jerked in my desk, and Cassie did the same. Cassie had a good grade – she was always well-prepared, and even though James always had to tell her to speak up, he also acknowledged she was trying her hardest. So was I, but that didn't seem to matter as much as having a well-thought out speech. "Go ahead and pair up – you can spend the period discussing acts you might want to try. All I ask is that you use your voices, whatever you choose to do."

I dragged my desk over to Cassie's. She was giving me a look like she'd been backed into a corner by several mad Hork-bajir. "Uh-uh, Marco. Find a new partner. I don't need the points and I _definitely _don't need to put myself through a talent show."

I scratched my head. "Look, you think I want to make a fool out of myself in front of the whole school? I _need _this grade. If I bring home a D, I'll be grounded forever. Kind of hard to save the world when I'm scrubbing toilets and stuck in solitary confinement."

Cassie raised her hand. "Um, Mr. James? Can Marco and I switch -"

"No, no," he said. I swear, he was gleeful – he knew what he was doing when he put me and Cassie together. He knew I needed the extra credit and she didn't. "No switching, sorry."

She looked at me, resigned. "If I'm going to help you with this, I want to be involved as little as possible. Like, me even standing on the stage with you while you perform is pushing it." She thought about it for a minute before asking, "What are you going to do, anyway?"

I shrugged. Didn't matter…no matter what I chose to do, I was going to look like an idiot. "Well, I figure the easiest thing for _us _to do is just sing a song. A short one."

Cassie just looked pained. "You're really going to make me do this, aren't you?" She sighed. "You owe me, Marco. You owe me _big._"

I grinned. "Put it on my tab."

_**Later that afternoon, Cassie's barn**_

_Cassie_

I swear, he was enjoying it. He griped and complained the whole time, but Marco loves attention. He was a horrible singer, and he seemed to know it, but he was loving it anyway.

"One more time, from the top," he said, pressing play on the portable CD player. The guitar intro by some guy named Santana started playing again. It wasn't that the music was bad – the song was actually pretty catchy. But you try listening to the same song a hundred times, all sung over by Marco. You'd consider using the hunting rifle your dad kept in his office on yourself, too.

I had minimized my part in the "act." I was only singing back-up, and I was only doing _that _during the chorus. In a small voice. Into a microphone that would be turned way down. Still, even though I was doing the bare minimum, I was sure to be associated with this disaster for the rest of my primary education.

(What in the _hell _are you two doing?) Tobias asked us in an incredulous, yet extremely amused, thought-speech tone. I jumped, then realized the noise from Marco's screeching had covered any sound of Tobias' arrival. He sat in the rafters looking at us. Hawks don't have expressions, and they sure don't laugh…but I could have sworn that Tobias' little hawk body was quivering with silent laughter.

I went over to the CD player and stopped it, thankful for the distraction. Marco sung without the music for two seconds before he realized I'd shut it off, then looked at Tobias. "Do you mind? We have to practice."

"No, we don't. We're going to look ridiculous, no matter what." I went on to explain what we were doing to Tobias.

(Wow. You're a good friend, Cassie.)

"Hey, this is embarrassing for me, too," Marco protested indignantly. "I'm doing this to save the world."

(I've heard lots of excuses for people singing crappy music, but that's got to be a new one,) Tobias joked. Marco mock-glared at him.

"Santana featuring Rob Thomas? It's like, number three on the pop charts right now. It's not crappy music."

(Good music being sung crappily, then,) Tobias shot back, still sounding extremely smug. A sudden realization hit me.

"You're going to tell Rachel about this, aren't you?" I asked Tobias. "Oh, Tobias, please don't."

(What? Why?) Tobias asked, genuinely surprised. (She would kill me if I didn't. You expect her to miss this? Marco making a tool out of himself?)

"It's not that…" I said, not wanting to admit the real reason. Marco caught on and sold me out.

"She could care less about Rachel busting my chops. She doesn't want Jake to see her," he explained.

I gave him a withering stare. "Do you _want _my help, or are you trying to sabotage your own grade?" His grin disappeared immediately.

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry." He looked to the bird in the rafters. "So, you think you can do that? Keep this quiet?"

He considered. (For Cassie's sake, yeah. You owe me one, Cassie.)

"Well, Marco owes _me _one. So, let's just cut out the middleman and say Marco owes you."

Tobias cackled. (I can live with that.)

_**Night of the show, school auditorium**_

_Marco_

I had considered dressing like Santana. At least he's latino, like me. But he's also old, and he's got that yeah-I'm-an-old-man-but-I'm-still-cool style. If he couldn't pull it off, I didn't stand a chance.

I wasn't exactly pulling off the Rob Thomas look, either, though…but it was too late to change. We were about to go on. For some reason, the wifebeater, jeans, and fake gold didn't do for me what it did for the rock star. Too late to worry about that.

"Please welcome our next act! Marco _ and Cassie _, performing 'Smooth,' by Santana!" the announcer called.

Cassie looked terrified. I mean _terrified_. "You fight evil aliens on a weekly basis – pull it together," I hissed to her, and she just looked at me with an alarming lack of blood in her face. I half walked with her, half tugged her onto stage.

I got to the mic, very aware of all the eyes on me. "Uh, what's up? Yeah, we're going to sing," I said lamely. I waited for a good five seconds. Nothing happened. "Can somebody start the music?"

The sound guy pressed some buttons, and the now-played-out tune started blasting over the PA. I sang my best, ignoring the boos and jeers and catcalls from the crowd. Well, I ignored them as best as I could – about halfway through, I recognized one of the voices.

I saw her in the front row – Rachel. Rachel, looking as pleased as I'd ever seen her. Tobias sat beside her, grinning ear to ear. Ax sat beside him, fingers in his ears – he _hated _human music. Even so, he was watching me with big eyes and a bigger smile. I got so mad, I forgot the line I was supposed to be singing. I _knew _that winged rat would sell us out. Cassie saved me by shyly singing until I found my place, and we suffered through the rest of the song together. When we were done, approximately three people clapped, and Cassie ran off the stage. I followed her, hanging my head. I never had high hopes, but I didn't know it was going to be the complete disaster it had turned out to be. I mean, we didn't even get sympathy applause. We were that bad.

I followed Cassie through the emergency exit, meaning to thank her for keeping her promise and making an ass out of herself with me. She was sitting on the sidewalk, hyperventilating. I rolled my eyes. "Come on, it wasn't that bad. Quit hamming it up," I told her.

She just gave me a look – a really, really grown up look. It said clearer than words, "If I live to be 100, I will _never _forgive you for this." I just shrugged helplessly.

"Had to be done," I told her. "I got my grade, so I'll probably be allowed to go on fighting the Yeerks with you. Yippee." I realized I hadn't thanked her yet. "So, anyway, I know how hard that was for you. Thank you."

"No, thank _you_," came the voice from behind us. I turned around to see Tobias and Rachel walking toward us. Rachel was gleeful. "I really, really needed that. Some comedy in the worst way." She seemed to realize that Cassie was about to pass out. "Except you, Cass…I thought you were good."

"Yeah, you were awesome," Tobias said, trying to keep a straight face. His poorly restrained grin broke out again as he looked at me. "Marco…don't quit your day job, dude."

I glared. "I think I like you better as a buzzard," I told him. Usually the bird jokes made him uncomfortable and made Rachel mad – I guess they were too amused to care, this time.

"Hey, at least we didn't tell Jake," Rachel said. Cassie brightened a little at that.

"Was I not supposed to tell Prince Jake?" Ax wondered. "I did not know the loud human ritual was a secret. Eek. Eek rit-tuh."

Cassie's face went pale again. "You didn't," she breathed. "Ax, tell me you didn't tell him about the talent show."

Ax shrugged, a gesture he'd picked up from us. "He already knew about it. He asked me to keep the secret – rett-tuh – from you. I did not know the secret was reciprocal. That it was to go both ways."

I was figuring something out. "Wait, so you're telling me that Jake is here? Hiding from us? And he wanted us in the dark about it?" A suspicion was becoming a certainty. "Guys, we gotta get back in there. I think Jake is going to do an act!" Even Cassie looked hopeful as we burst back into the auditorium through the backstage entrance.

Sure enough, Jake was on stage. He was seated on a stool in front of the microphone, reading from a sheet of paper in his shaking hands. A single spotlight lit him up, like a cheesy poetry corner thing. I could only see his back, but from his tone I could tell he was at least as embarrassed as Cassie had been.

"…and so through the summer fields I run; never chased by anyone; I build my house of peaceful boards; and thank the sky we can put down our swords." He hopped up to get offstage as soon as possible; I realized that he had a lot more people clapping for him than Cassie and I. He turned to leave and saw the five of us standing there, watching him. He froze for a half a second, then hung his head and joined us.

"Jake?" Cassie said, sounding really surprised. "You write poetry?"

He shook the page in his hand. "Not usually. It's for extra credit. Creative writing."

I felt his pain. "Teachers _suck_," I said with feeling.

Cassie and Jake agreed. Tobias just laughed. "No they don't. I just got a two-for-the-price of one. Your teachers rule."

"Oh!" Ax cried, pointing to the table they had set out for all the performers backstage. "I believe those are the circular pastries called doo-nuts. Prince Jake, may I _please _enjoy some doo-doo-nuts?" Without waiting for an answer, he knocked over a girl in a ladybug costume to get to the table and started cramming whatever he could reach into his mouth. We all had a good laugh.

I looked at Rachel. "You sure you and Tobias don't want to do a duet or something? Then we'd all be even. We'd all be the laughingstocks of the school together."

Rachel pretended to think about it. "Nah. But I'll tell you what – I'll buy everybody some food. You guys deserve a reward." She raised her voice so that Ax could hear her before he started making too big a scene. "Ax-man! You down for some Cinnabon?"

"Cibbabom!" he yelled with a mouth full of donut. He sprayed crumbs everywhere. "Yeh, I wov wakka Cibbabom!" The six of us headed out of the auditorium together. It would take a little more than a cinnamon roll to ease the embarrassment of the night away…but it was a start.


End file.
